‘Twas The Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas when all through the mob
Not a single person I knew still held a job

The resumes were posted on job boards here and there
In the hope that the hiring managers might notice and care

Other job searchers were nestled all snug in their beds
With $100K jobs dancing in their heads

I’d just sent my 40th job email of the day
Wondering how many would pass the spam filters, hooray!

When from my computer came a sound sharp as a nail
I knew with all certainty that I’d just received mail!

An interview? A job offer? Was I a lottery winner?
Alas, it was the Postmaster, “Email couldn’t be delivered.”

The final straw, I had had it, this was the final stage
I knew I was about to fly into a rage

How can I get a job and expect to thrive
When I can’t even get an email to successfully arrive?!

At this point I thought I’ve got nothing to lose
I’ll tell an employer everything that I choose

I opened a new email and began to type
This is what I wrote on that fateful night:

Dear Employer

I’m here and looking for a new role
I just bought a condo, I’m $250K in the hole

I need a nice title and salary to boot
And also a car befitting my $1,000 suit

I require some staff and also an office
I might work long hours but I can’t make that promise

A bonus, perks and benefits on my first day
On all important decisions, I’d like to have a say

I’ve got other ideas I think you might agree
Stuff for all employees, all of it free!

I’ll give my best thoughts without you having to enquire
All you need to do is tell me “you’re hired!”

With this I clicked “send” and admired my ability
I had a good feeling about this job possibility

Several hours passed and finally it rang
I jumped to attention and to my phone I sprang

Hello job searcher, I’m the employer you wrote
I’m responding to your application and specifically your note

You were original and funny and also quite sly
I had to call you and not let a moment slip by

I’ve read some good emails but yours was the best
I read it aloud at my staff’s behest

They admired your gumption and also your gall
They insisted I had to give you a call

Your application was unique, the most I’ve seen ever
It did however leave me with quite the dilemma

You clearly mistook my charity in this season of Yule’s
Afterall this is Christmas and not April Fool’s.

And with this he closed, and this is what he chimed
“Merry Christmas to all, your application was declined.”

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